Well, ladies and gentlemen of the internet... I sat.
After the last post I started thinking, what am I waiting for, really? Why do I keep creating excuses, delaying it, when it really can't be as bad as I'm building it up to be. And, aside from a slightly sore back, it wasn't.
I set an alarm on my phone for 10 minutes. I didn't want to bite off more than I could chew the first time, and I thought that sitting for way longer than I could take would only serve to deter me more. I'm going to try and extent that a few minutes each time, and see where I end up.
It took me a while to settle into a position. I still can't get myself into a full lotus (I can do half, but it's incredibly painful which seems to defeat the purpose slightly), but I think some stretching before and after should help. I sat cross-legged on my floor, and found a nice blank part of my living room wall to look at. Even though I couldn't get into it, I put more emphasis on my posture than anything. I figured that so long as I wasn't slouching, not having my legs crossed up perfectly right away was less important. At first I started by counting breaths, but I realized that it only made me think about how much time must have gone by, and I was putting too much effort and energy into the counting, so after a while I lost count on purpose.
The biggest difficulty I had really was that I kept wanting to close my eyes. I realized that it was because it's easier to drift away and daydream with your eyes closed. Staring at my wall kept me in the here and now, and not in a particularly enjoyable way. The thought dawned on me though... Why do we feel this great compulsion for distraction? I've spent hours on my couch doing absolutely nothing, but the images on my television kept me sufficiently distracted so I didn't care. Why is it that we need to be entertained all the time?
Humans seem to have this inherent need to be distracted and entertained. Why? Nothingness freaks us out, and I sort of get it but I don't. Don't believe me? The next time you're talking to someone, wait for a lull in the conversation. Wait it out. How long can the other person sit in silence with you without having to make some bullshit small talk just to fill the gaps?
It it the nothingness we're afraid of, or is it the everything that is contained in that "nothingness"? What fascinates me about Zen is that the answers aren't just handed to you. You need to find them yourself, but in order to do that you need to stop looking. Stop searching for enlightenment, stop wondering what all the secrets of the world are. Everything is here, right in front of you, you just need to shut the fuck up long enough to notice it. My truth may very well be different than yours, but the important thing is that no one tells me what it is.
Silence, emptiness, nothing, it holds so many possibilities. It's so complicatedly simple.
My god, I think I'm starting to get it.
You have intuited it quite well, everyone seeks to avoid the totality of being. The specific "why" of that particular event is unique to each individual and is basically the reason for their existence. It is the raw material which is worked with while one is on the path of evolution.
ReplyDeleteIndeed, the totality is infinite yet contains the finite. It is rather beyond descriptions and polarities in essence, but a bit of terminology can help at times.
You have a sharp and inquisitive mind, and I would encourage you to look deeper into buddhism than specifically just zen. The word "zen" came about when the sect of Chan buddhism filtered into japan from china.
Chan buddhism was strongly chinese in the sense that it was a form of mahayana buddhism which had been heavily influenced by the previous chinese tradition of taoism which was widespread and ancient beyond memory. The basic gist of chan is that it emphasized direct experience over scholarly research. The chinese word "chan" comes from the sanskrit "dhyana", which means concentration or meditation. It is the collected attention of mind, and is a foundation of various states of "jhana", or meditative absorption - the transcendent loss of identity. These meditative states are contributions to the buddhist practice of "vipassana", or insight.
However, mahayana buddhism was a later development from the original buddhist tradition, which itself had split into more than 20 schools since the buddha's parinirvana (enlightened death). The only one of these schools still in existence is Theraveda.
When mahayana (great vehicle) buddhism came about, it relegated previous schools to the hinayana (lesser vehicle) and then within all of this developed others like sutrayana, mantrayana and vajrayana.
Beyond the vehicles, there are dozens of sects and each of these sects often have dozens of schools. It is not only various philosophies, theories and metaphysical concepts which are disagreed upon by these schools, but also the core practices may be different.
In particular, vipassana meditation is sometimes ignored or forgotten. However this was an essential practice of the buddha Guatama.
Regarding your particular gifts, I would suggest a somewhat different approach than the quietism or indulgence of the mundane that often goes under the name of "zen practice" these days. It is generally not involved in vipassana meditation, which you would excel at.
Some people have a powerful way of cutting straight into the heart of things by questioning it all. This kind of path is not only buddhist but is a derivation of the evolutionary impulses which have existed since life came about. It is the silent, wordless curiosity of pure intelligence itself - a prime mover.
Actual zen practice would come later for you, but it is not just about counting breaths or staring at walls.
"What is this true meditation? It is to make everything: coughing, swallowing, waving the arms, motion, stillness, words, actions, the evil and the good, prosperity and shame, gain and loss, right and wrong, into one single koan."
ReplyDeleteHakuin Ekaku
A beautiful Japanese girl whose parents owned a food store lived near Hakuin. One day, without any warning, her parents discovered she was with child. This made her parents angry. She would not confess who the man was, but after much harassment at last named Hakuin.
In great anger the parent went to the master. "Is that so?" was all he would say.
After the child was born it was brought to Hakuin. By this time he had lost his reputation, which did not trouble him, but he took very good care of the child. He obtained milk from his neighbors and everything else the child needed.
A year later the girl could stand it no longer. She told her parents the truth - the real father of the child was a young man who worked in the fish market.
The mother and father of the girl at once went to Hakuin to ask forgiveness, to apologize at length, and to get the child back.
Hakuin willingly yielded the child, saying only: "Is that so?"