Is This the Real Life? Is This Just Fantasy?

Something happened last night, and I'm really not quite sure what to make of it.

I have spent the past 9 months to a year in some sort of depression. It's been a big back and forth for me, sometimes I'll go a few weeks at a time feeling ok and like things are getting better, but other times I'll feel worse. It's ranged from non-existent to crippling. Last night was somewhere in the middle.

One of the things I'll start to feel first is claustrophobia in my house. Even if I've only been home from work for a half hour, I'll feel the cabin fever start to set in, and I'll become extremely anxious. The air feels thick and heavy, I start to sweat, and the only thought that runs through my brain like the Times Square Stock Ticker is, "You need to get out."

So last night I'm in the car. My boyfriend is driving, and I'm staring blankly out the window. I'm not even looking at anything. I'm just feeling that weight on me. I'm focused on it, I'm letting it run its course through me. With it come all the repetitive thoughts, the loudest of which was, "This is not my life."

Over and over again. "This is not my life. This is not my life."

Meaning, this is not what my life is supposed to be. This is not what I had envisioned for myself, or wanted. This isn't it.

Out of nowhere, though, another voice answered. "No, this is your life."

You'd think that would be more depressing, but it made me feel better. The thought overcame me, and I felt a calming sensation all over my body.

This is my life.

It's not the way I want it, no. But it's mine, so I need to do what I can to make it better and get to work accepting the rest. I can't change that this is my life. I can't change the things I did that got me here, but letting myself wallow in self-pity and despair is counter-productive.

This is the first time I can say with certainty that zen has helped me in a practical, concrete, immediate way. There have been other benefits of course, but this is the first time I can look to zen and credit it for bringing me that peace in a time of trial.

Maybe there really is something to all of this after all..

Porn and Basketball

In addition to my day job answering phones in a cubicle, I make money on the side by doing freelance editing and proofreading work. Last night I was editing a term paper for a woman about the evils of sex trafficking and prostitution. I was enjoying the paper immensely, as I don't meet too many people who think sex trafficking and prostitution are good things (unless they happen to be directly benefiting from it).

About halfway through the paper she lost me when she explained that the root of all evil is pornography. Her case, and she made as compelling of one as possible, was that porn gives us the appetite for more. Further, she asserted that without porn we would all be much more satisfied with the sex we were getting and wouldn't seek to purchase it. She explained that the regulations just aren't working, and it's time we abolish those materials once and for all to protect humanity.

She did make an interesting case, but I think that's a very slippery slope. I'm going to keep this from getting too political, but I think that (at least here in America) we get to make choices about what we view, and we are responsible for our own actions. It reminded me of a documentary I watched a while ago on Netflix that dealt with porn and sex addiction in general.

One side made the case that porn is evil, that it hooks you in like a drug and destroys your life. The other side made the case that enjoying something does not equate an addiction. If I start playing basketball all the time, no one is going to tell me I'm a B-Ball addict.

Why am I talking about this? Where does Zen come into all of it?

One of the things that drew me to Zen Buddhism was that it lets you make your own choices. It seems like the motivation behind your actions are ultimately more important than the action itself.

Keep in mind here, this isn't a free pass to do whatever you want as long as you can justify it. Far from it actually. If I'm keeping my practice, and engaging in mindfulness, there is no reason for me to ever intentionally kill another person. There just isn't a way to make that alright. But no one is standing over me telling me that I am evil if I even think about it, let alone do it. I have the autonomy to dissect my feelings and impulses without having to place judgment on them.

But there is also some major accountability. There isn't a list of rules I have to follow to be able to consider myself a good person, but there isn't any escape from my actions either. If I do something wrong, it's because I did it. I wasn't made, I wasn't forced, somewhere along the line I lost my way and wasn't being mindful.

And here's the link I'm trying to make... Mindfulness in porn. Porn is arousing; it's designed to be. But what kind of porn we're looking at can really tell us something. If you get off on misogynistic porn where women are being beaten and harmed... It's a red flag. I'm not telling you that you're evil or wrong, but maybe you should take a look at why that's what you enjoy. In some relationships, porn is a welcomed addition. In others, it constitutes infidelity. Everyone has their own set of standards as to what is and isn't ok, and that isn't something that can be standardized and enforced.

People don't want to be accountable for what they do. They want it to be someone else's fault. And it makes total sense, it does. Because if something I do isn't my fault, then I don't have to think about anything, or work on it or change it. I can coast by. But we all do things every day that we shouldn't, and until we start taking responsibility and working on ourselves internally, then we always will.