I noticed something the other night that really is fairly obvious, and completely logical, but for me felt like a big deal. I'm guessing I'm going to feel this way a lot. When I reach a conclusion on something lately, especially related to all this, I get this great big "D'oh!" feeling attached to it. Like whatever I'm realizing is so obvious, how have I not known this the entire time?
Bear with me in the coming future as I regale you with tales of these.
I will admit, that I have not been sitting. Aside from the fact that my body refuses to pretzel up like it's supposed to (I'm convinced zazen is for gymnasts), I just can't bring myself to do it. Since my apartment is new, I have lots of big plain white walls with nothing on them to distract me for me to stare at, wide empty spaces on my floor, and no one living with me to disturb me. It seems perfect. But I keep coming up with reasons not to. I don't know what's stopping me.
In lieu of that, however, I've been trying to get my feet wet with my own little meditative ritual I've been doing before bed. The first big difference is I usually do it after I get in bed (I know, I know, don't even say it). It's nothing special. I've tried just letting my mind go where it goes, without fueling it, and that doesn't quite work yet. Invariably I end up wandering off somewhere mentally and defeating the purpose. Just to help me stay in what I'm doing, I've been counting breaths. At first, I counted in One, out Two, in Three, etc. but the issue with that is that it's too automatic. It takes zero concentration. I've found it to be a bit harder to count in One, out One, in Two, out Two, etc. Not harder, per se, but at least requiring more conscious attention.
Now that that's all out of the way, on to my revelation.
You can tell how consistently I've been doing that by looking at how consistently I post on here. Not to say I post every time I do it, but there does seem to be a correlation. When I'm "meditating" (or at least my own version of it), things come up. I don't know from where, or why, or even really how, but invariably something pops into my head. Most of the posts on here so far have stemmed from a thought that came into my head while meditating. I think differently when I'm consistent. It feels almost like a different mindset. I feel more.... deliberate.
So what does this mean, and why am I talking about it?
I'm glad you asked!!
It means that I'm starting to actually feel how and why this is a good thing for me, and why I need to get the fuck over myself and just do it. Part of my shying away from real, live, honest-to-Buddha meditating was being scared of what would happen, and being scared that nothing would happen.
Do I think the world will unveil itself before me if I sit like a pretzel? No. It's very subtle. But it's tangible. There's a different feel that I can't put my finger on, but I like it.
There might just be something to this, after all...
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