To Sit, Or Not To Sit

That seems to be the question for me lately.

I've really been intending to try to sit zazen soon. I mean it, I promise. I just still have a few hang-ups that I'm letting stop me from diving in lotus-first.

Is it really just as simple as sitting down? It can't be. And how badly do I need a teacher to show me the ropes? Is it ok if my mind wanders? Doesn't it just make it worse to try to not think of anything? Why the hell can't I close my eyes? Can I scratch my butt if it itches? Does everyone overthink this part of it or is it just me?

I am fully aware of just how much I am building this up in my head, and how counterproductive that is. This is like in Pulp Fiction when Mia doesn't want to tell Vincent her stupid ketchup joke because now there's all sorts of pressure on it. Just like that (sort of).

I get that by putting all this emphasis on doing it "right" I'm taking away from the practice itself. I have to build it up in my head though, or else it will seem pointless. I don't see how I'm going to really learn that much about myself and the world, gradually or otherwise, by staring at a wall. If it's a "being in the present moment" thing, can't I do that while I'm doing other stuff? How about hiking meditation? I'm going to start a craze.

I feel like I should stop worrying about "getting it." The harder you look for anything, the more impossible it becomes to attain.

Want proof? Do you find Waldo faster when you just open the book and let your eyes wander, or when you're really looking? The more pissed off and frustrated you are at this stupid fucking game, the harder you look, and the longer it takes to find him because everything you're feeling clouds your ability to see. The frustration, and anger, the desperation to find this stupid little man in his stupid little hat. It's cyclical.

It's like that with a lot of things though. Happiness, relationships... How many people do you know that are so cranky and mean because they can't find a partner, that they can't find a partner because they're so cranky and mean?

And happiness... Fuck that. If I'm trying to be happy, it's because I feel like I'm not happy to begin with. However, that yearning for happiness is going to prevent it from ever happening because you can't recognize it when it's right in front of you - you're too busy striving for it. Asshole, open your eyes, it's here and now and you're missing it!

Back to the whole zazen thing... Reading this over, I think I just made the case for it all by myself.