Mindfulness is a Bitch

"I am angry."

There are no thoughts in the world more ridiculous than that when you actually are angry. Supposedly, by acknowledging my anger and the root cause of it, it will be disabled, and it's hold on me will be loosened. Ok, that sounds alright in theory.

The tricky part comes in here because I want to be angry. Anger inherently means that I am right and someone else is wrong. I don't have to examine my part or role, I just get to be pissed. Sweet, I can do that. Anger seems like muscle memory. I'm good at being angry. Even if it's more draining ultimately to feel that anger and hold on to it than it is to let it go, it's also by far more enjoyable.

The balance here is what I am having a hard time with. It seems like anger is never ok, never justified, never an acceptable thing to be feeling. I teach my patients all the time that anger is a secondary emotion. We feel anger because we feel something else (primarily hurt or fear), and anger is an easier alternative.

But isn't it justified sometimes? How do you walk that line between being all zen and calm and shit, and still being able to set healthy boundaries for yourself and those around you? Anger can be toxic, but it can also be a useful motivating factor. If I'm never really mad about anything, why would I bother to tell people if something isn't alright?

I'm pretty sure I'm being too black and white about this. It seems less like the point is to never be angry - it's a natural human thing that we really can't do much about. It seems like the point is closer to what you do about your anger. If something you did caused the cells in my brain to react in such a way that I feel compelled to curse you out, do I feed into the illusion that you made me feel a certain way?

Ego plays a huge role here. My ego tells me that there is a me. That my me is different than your me (if you're still following me here). That I am a unique individual, separate from the universe and definitely separate from you (as evidenced by my middle finger). Is there any greater ego-shot than the concept of there not being a me at all? If we're all the same, I can't be mad at you. Your cells did something, my cells did something in reaction, and I call it anger because it makes me feel better about myself.

Dear lord this is exhausting.