Something happened last night, and I'm really not quite sure what to make of it.
I have spent the past 9 months to a year in some sort of depression.
It's been a big back and forth for me, sometimes I'll go a few weeks at a
time feeling ok and like things are getting better, but other times
I'll feel worse. It's ranged from non-existent to crippling. Last night
was somewhere in the middle.
One of the things I'll start to feel first is claustrophobia in my
house. Even if I've only been home from work for a half hour, I'll feel
the cabin fever start to set in, and I'll become extremely anxious. The
air feels thick and heavy, I start to sweat, and the only thought that
runs through my brain like the Times Square Stock Ticker is, "You need
to get out."
So last night I'm in the car. My boyfriend is driving, and I'm staring
blankly out the window. I'm not even looking at anything. I'm just
feeling that weight on me. I'm focused on it, I'm letting it run its
course through me. With it come all the repetitive thoughts, the loudest
of which was, "This is not my life."
Over and over again. "This is not my life. This is not my life."
Meaning, this is not what my life is supposed to be. This is not what I had envisioned for myself, or wanted. This isn't it.
Out of nowhere, though, another voice answered. "No, this is your life."
You'd think that would be more depressing, but it made me feel better.
The thought overcame me, and I felt a calming sensation all over my
body.
This is my life.
It's not the way I want it, no. But it's mine, so I need to do what I
can to make it better and get to work accepting the rest. I can't change
that this is my life. I can't change the things I did that got me here,
but letting myself wallow in self-pity and despair is
counter-productive.
This is the first time I can say with certainty that zen has helped me
in a practical, concrete, immediate way. There have been other benefits
of course, but this is the first time I can look to zen and credit it
for bringing me that peace in a time of trial.
Maybe there really is something to all of this after all..
The internal dialogue is what grounds us. The world is such and such or so and so, only because we talk to ourselves about its being such and such or so and so. The passageway into the world of sorcerers opens up after the warrior has learned to shut off the internal dialogue.
ReplyDeleteTo change our idea of the world is the crux of sorcery, and stopping the internal dialogue is the only way to accomplish it. The rest is just padding. Nothing of what we do, with the exception of stopping the internal dialogue, can by itself change anything in us, or in our idea of the world.
We are dealing with that immensity out there. To turn that magnificence out there into reasonableness doesn't do anything for you. Here, surrounding us, is eternity itself. To engage in reducing it to a manageable nonsense is petty and outright disastrous.
Whenever the internal dialogue stops, the world collapses and extraordinary facets of ourselves surface, as though they had been kept heavily guarded by our words. You are like you are, because you tell yourself that you are that way. You are too heavy and self-important. Let go!
- Castaneda, "Tales of Power"