We Meet Again...

Well, I've really let this go, haven't I?

Now that I've sufficiently lost the small following I had there... 

It wasn't intentional, I assure you, but it is a part of my pattern. I have a tendency to get *really* into something for a little while, then lose all momentum/motivation/what-have-you to continue. Over the past few months I have almost completely fallen away from this. Not just the blog itself, but sitting, the things I used to think about. It feels like regression, like I have to start over now. Slightly disheartening, but we'll see what happens.

Part of the reason why I'm back on here now is because I had nothing to do for St. Valentine's Day. A day that I truly do not like anyway. The only reason why those two are related is because all I did today was sit around in my apartment. I'm a big fan of relaxing, but an entire day of not really doing anything really got to me. It reminded me, on a much broader scale, of when I would sit Zazen.

With nothing to do, even if I had something on the TV eventually your mind can't help but wander. The things that usually distract you can only do so for so long before you're alone with your thoughts again. In sitting Zazen we remove those distractions, or as many of them as we can. We force ourselves to exist in a present moment.

It was honestly incredibly uncomfortable, and at some points pretty damn emotional.

But why?

Why is being in my apartment alone with my head such a bad experience?

I started thinking at some point about the amount of time we spend waiting for our lives to happen around us. In an average week, I wake up in the morning, eat something, and kill some time on the couch waiting until I have to go to work. When I'm at work, I wait until my shift is over so I can go back to my apartment. Then I wait until I get tired so I can go to sleep and start the whole thing over again. Where's the fulfillment in that? Life is happening around me and I'm holed up in my one-bedroom with the cat waiting for marvelous things to start happening to me! It's pointless, and a hell of our own making.

It is our responsibility to create our own life. If we get caught in a rut it's because we allowed ourselves to do so. It's such a common knee-jerk reaction to end up resenting the people or circumstances around us for the way our lives ended up, but it's ridiculous.

Don't like your life? Change it. All the moping in the world will not fix it for you. And realistically, your life is probably not as bad and boring as you think it is. Learning to appreciate the little things that come our way will help us in the long run.

Brad Warner in one of his books (I forget which one, sorry) said something to the effect of life is easier to appreciate when you sit Zazen consistently. When you're sitting there, your back hurts, you think there's no way in this world time isn't up yet, and all you want to do is ANYTHING other than what you're doing, you can even appreciate something as mundane as doing the dishes. Just a thought.

Hopefully I'll be able to stay consistent this time around. Here's hoping?